At Asian Weddings, Cash Is King

When I obtained a marriage invitation from my pals Jiyeon Kim and Olof Norlander this yr, I knew precisely the place I’d choose up their marriage ceremony current: the financial institution.

The two had already married in Uppsala, Sweden, the place they stay, however Ms. Kim’s father needed the newlyweds to have a second ceremony in Changwon, South Korea, the place he had spent years attending the weddings of his pals’ and colleagues’ youngsters.

As is custom, he gave the marrying {couples} envelopes of money recognized in Korean as chug-ui-geum, or congratulatory cash. Having a marriage in South Korea would permit him not solely to share the joyous event along with his household and pals, but additionally to offset the prices of the occasion with reciprocated money items from attendees.

“We can’t deny that the surplus in money was one of the good outcomes of the wedding,” mentioned Ms. Kim, 32, who held her second ceremony in May.

Weddings are peaking presently of yr, and in Asia, it has lengthy been customized to congratulate marrying {couples} with money as a substitute of items from a registry. In South Korea, company current their envelopes of money to an appointed buddy or member of the family of the newlywed couple upon arriving on the reception. In return, they’re offered with a meal ticket that permits them entrance to the marriage banquet, and the quantity given is discreetly written in a register. Guests who can’t attend are given the choice to wire cash to the newlyweds’ checking account quantity written on the invitation.

While it has grow to be more and more in style for {couples} within the United States to ask for money when getting married, it’s nonetheless uncommon for American {couples} to have a registry that’s money solely, mentioned Emily Forrest, director of communications for Zola, a marriage registry web site.

Nobu Nakaguchi, a co-founder at Zola, mentioned he seen cultural variations in gift-giving when he received married in 2005. He had a Roman Catholic marriage ceremony within the United States and a Buddhist marriage ceremony in Japan. It was an interesting expertise to obtain money at his Japanese marriage ceremony, he mentioned, since many Americans consider that giving money is gauche.

“If you go to an Asian country like Japan or Korea, the expectation is to receive a cash gift,” Mr. Nakaguchi, 48, mentioned. “I don’t think we’re fully there in the U.S.”

Despite long-held customs round giving money, discussing expectations about cash was thought-about a cultural taboo in Asian nations, mentioned Lee Eun-hee, a client science professor at Inha University in South Korea.

“While money gifts are expected and desired, our culture forbids us to explicitly spell out what we want,” she mentioned, declaring that that is why etiquette dictates cash be offered in envelopes.

This dichotomy has resulted in a wealthy dialog across the etiquette of giving money at weddings in Asia. Should a present replicate the price of your banquet meal? How do you set a numerical worth on a friendship? Here are some unwritten guidelines on how giving cash works at Asian weddings.

When Parents Own the Wedding

Mengqi Wang, an assistant professor of anthropology at Duke Kunshan University who had two weddings in China, described each of her experiences as giant affairs that didn’t attempt to replicate her and her husband’s relationship. She felt an obligation to have the ceremonies, largely as a result of she knew they had been necessary rituals for her dad and mom.

“We don’t have that money,” she mentioned of the money items, which in the end went to her dad and mom. “I don’t even know how much money my parents got.”

While weddings in Asia are more and more changing into much less conventional, dad and mom play a significant position in arranging the occasion and making monetary choices as a result of they’re usually paying for it. It’s frequent for fogeys to find out how a lot of the congratulatory cash the newlyweds hold.

This is why a dad or mum at a Korean marriage ceremony is known as the hon-ju, or proprietor of the marriage. Many Korean {couples} work out a system with their dad and mom by which they hold a particular portion of the cash. However, when cash could also be a degree of competition, some brides will appoint a gabang-sooni, or particular person in command of your bag, to gather the cash in personal somewhat than on the reception.

Don’t Show Me the Money

Gift cash isn’t meant to be bodily seen. To work round this, many Asian cultures have particular envelopes for the event. In South Korea, solely crisp, new payments are to be offered — stacked front-first — in a white envelope with the giver’s title written vertically on it.

In Japan, the shugi-bukuro, or envelope for congratulatory cash, was historically made by hand in crimson and white, however can now be purchased in a wide range of colours. In many Chinese cultures, the envelope most related to the Lunar New Year, hong-bao, is famously crimson. Since cash is given for plenty of events, together with funerals, Asian marriage ceremony attendees ought to be certain the right envelope is given.

Recently, sending cash by means of a financial institution switch or electronically through digital envelopes on messaging apps like WeChat and KakaoTalk has additionally grow to be acceptable.

Calculate Your Closeness

Ms. Kim, who has attended weddings in Europe and Asia, mentioned it was a lot more durable for her to determine how a lot to contribute to a marriage in Sweden, for the reason that customs are totally different.

While a present wherever is a consideration of your relationship and the social scenario, there’s usually a socially accepted formulation to gift-giving in Asia that takes into consideration a wide range of components, together with beliefs about auspicious numbers and energy in relationships.

In Japan, the place the common goshugi, or envelope of money given at an auspicious event, is someplace from 30,000 yen ($211) to 50,000 yen ($350), it’s usually understood {that a} youthful grownup or faculty scholar ought to contribute ¥10,000 ($70), whereas office superiors and older relations ought to goal for the upper finish of that vary or extra.

General recommendation from Korean blogs and society reporting recommends asking your self these questions to know what constitutes a detailed relationship: Is the particular person inviting you a piece colleague? Did you obtain a cell invitation solely? Does your mom know this particular person’s title? Would your mom’s response to listening to the particular person’s title be “Oh, right, that person’s daughter”? Any reply pointing to closeness would add to the suitable quantity — usually leading to a cost from 50,000 gained ($39) to 100,000 gained ($77), based on a survey of South Korean singles in 2022.

Ms. Wang, the anthropology professor, mentioned the cash given at weddings was additionally used to ascertain a stronger bond, or guanxi.

“The wedding is one of those occasions where you get to give a gift to someone,” she mentioned. “Without a special occasion, it would look out of context. To give a gift — a good one — is also a way to cement relationships.”

It’s not only a financial alternate however an alternate of credit score and debt, she added.

As such, the marriage present giving system has been abused by individuals in energy, and governments in Asia have even tried to manage items to stop bribery and corruption. In South Korea, an anti-graft legislation, the Kim Young-ran Act, was put into place limiting how a lot public servants may very well be given on numerous events — capping money items at 100,000 gained at weddings. But the act has been troublesome to implement as a result of a separate entity must audit every present offered on the ceremonies.

Cover Your Plate

In addition to social place and proximity, standard knowledge in Asia says the price of the banquet meal must be factored in. This thought is so widespread in Singapore that dozens of web sites lay out how a lot a desk prices at most main resorts within the nation.

Michelle Tay, an editor at Singapore Brides, says that whereas she encourages readers to pay as a lot ang bao (Hokkien for crimson envelope) as they will, many individuals prefer to have a tough estimate of how a lot others are paying by first wanting on the costs listed on the venue.

“Every half a year or so, venues will adjust their banquet prices according to rising costs,” Ms. Tay mentioned. “This indirectly causes people to feel pressured to pay more when they check the ang bao guides that are updated with the new rates.”

Ms. Lee, the buyer science professor, is commonly contacted by Korean media organizations for recommendation on how a lot to pay at a marriage. She mentioned her rule of thumb was all the time: “Look up the venue where the couple is getting married. See how much a meal there costs. And if you will not cover the price of your plate, it’s better not to go and send them an electronic transfer of 50,000 won instead.”

Use a Lucky Number

Since many Asian cultures have superstitions round cash, it could be sensible to search for which numbers are thought-about fortunate on the marriage ceremony in query. In South Korea, the quantity 4 is taken into account unfortunate due to its resemblance to the character for loss of life. In Japan, be cautious of any sum that’s divisible by two, as a result of it’s simply separated. In China, values ending in eight are most popular for his or her affiliation with wealth and prosperity.

It’s Not Tit for Tat

Ms. Wang mentioned her mom’s precept was all the time: “You have to remember how much the person gave you, and you reciprocate, but never the equal amount of value. It shouldn’t feel like a market transaction. Reciprocate by adding a little more to indicate you want to continue to have a relationship with that person.”

Her mom’s recommendation additionally got here with a warning: “If you pay too much more, it can come across as arrogance.”

In China, when she is not sure of how a lot to pay, Ms. Wang calls her pals to check notes.

“If we lived in a perfectly closed community, everybody would know their positions and they would know how much to give, but the reality is that we’re always mobile,” she mentioned. This is true whether or not an individual is making an attempt to place a determine on a marriage present, sending condolences to a funeral (additionally a money present in lots of Asian nations) or making an attempt to select a present for a child bathe.

In some methods, “it’s no different than what happens in America,” Mr. Nakaguchi mentioned. People bear in mind what company spent at their marriage ceremony and attempt to reciprocate equal or greater values.